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Friday, January 15, 2010

Dying at 22

I dunno why I'm doing this to myself but I feel Like I'm slowly killing myself  for reasons beyond my comprehension, my sleep cycle is fucked up to say the least I have turned nocturnal and my bedtime is getting later and later it has reached the point where it could be referred to as earlier. sleep time is getting shorter cause I have stuff to do during the day but that's not the end of it, I'm still wasting a fuckload of time, if I'm ever to make this graphic novel work I'll need to reach a proper discipline that will not take a toll on my health as well as give me enough time to work on it.

Now this lack of sleep is taking it's toll I'm shivering, jittery, and starting to develop ticks not to mention now I'm getting rapid heartbeats at random occasions heartbeats that you feel bashing at your ribcage to the extent that you can't breath, heartburn (though I've grown accustomed to that) is on the rise, not to mention that I already have problems I need to deal with. I've been skipping on my medication for a while and now my joints are starting to hurt which means that the uric acid has risen again (yes I have a slight uric acid problem as well as some potential liver problems and of course fats around the liver, and I was prescribed medication for it but I've stopped for a while).

Not to mention the biggest problem of all, and ironically by calling it biggest I'm reffering to its nature which is size, unforetunately I don't mean my penis instead I mean my belly, yes I am overweight and I'm pretty sure I've crossed the first line at the obese mark being 190 cm tall and 120 kg heavy is really not a good thing, it didn't show before cause I mostly gain weight from the stomach region but now I'm noticing a receding neckline (i.e I'm slowly but surely losing my neck for other chins). and I'm not helping that fact with the increased intake of fastfood I'm currently on not to mention your occasional chocolate and sweet thing.

I'm cramping at the slightest movement which is a sign that I haven't been exercising for a crapload of time, something which has never been the case being an athlete all my life I have never gone this long without sports in my life and I can't blame being busy because really I've been putting off working out for a while using lame excuses every now and then.

Me being 22 I shouldn't be complaining like a 90 year old and rambling on the health problems, but they are starting to bother me more than usual I should be in my prime right now and instead I'm screwing myself over, I dunno why at this point my self destructive path is ineffable, is this the decent to madness I've started this blog to try to avoid, to try to grasp whatever sanity I have left, could it be that I've been awake for what seems to be 20 or so hours. I dunno I guess writing my thoughts helps put things in prespective sharing them with the known and unknown readers (if any, it's not like it's raining comments over here) just eases the load off my chest. maybe then I'll start taking action.

it's helping also that while all this is happening I have to bear the burden that with all these problems I am faced with the fact that I have never been in a relationship, in fact I don't believe that there is a girl out there that has met me that has given me the time of day or even gave a second thought about me being a potential boyfriend I'm not talking suitor, fiancee or anything just boyfriend or even date. eh... I might be picky myself, but I guess I still have the diginity to choose someone I would like back the problem is the ones I did choose didn't want anything to do with me and from that point I dunno how to approach the new ones. yeah sure I might have reached the conclusion that when it happens it will happen but how am I kidding, I really don't believe that I want someone to share feelings with that would be of the other sex. that fact that in 22 years i have not had a girlfriend or even a proper date is seriously threatening my masculinity, I feel less than adequate something which is devastating for a guy with such a huge ego such as myself especially when even to some girls I come off as a ladies man (or so I have been told) I dunno how, because I am clearly not and there's something that I'm doing (or not) that is terribly wrong.

So it seems to me that the only thing working for me at the moment is the comic, and in my eyes I still suck as an artist in comparison to the world around me sure I might encourage myself and boost myself but still I'm way behind I just got the ambition and lots of maybe i don;t have the talent but I have the heart. I'm hiding behind tons of books to try and learn and jump start my missing elements in my talent, sure I'm satisfied with page 2 but that is still the pencils and it took way too long, and I need to maintain this type of quality and still it's not nearly as good as it should be there IS better. could the books help I sure hope so because I paid a fucking lot for them. not to mention my graphic novel, the one that is supposed to define my position in the comic world and establish my name with a publishing house to start churning out books, the one that is my graduation project is nothing but an idea at the moment sure this idea is one of those rare ideas that are living and breathing and growing with more and more magnitude but it still stays an idea nothing is concrete I dunno how I'm going to handle it into a 40 page book.

I haven't cut my hair in a while I loved my hair long but I'm getting bored and disgusted with it, and so I have decided. to get to where I want I will need to start to change. first I will need a discipline to prevent procrastination this will probably be the one most hardest thing I will ever do in my life because I am the current most practictitioner of procrastination the ever existed.

second I will quit fast food and soda starting sunday while drastically reducing my candy intake if any, and hopefully actually getting a proper diet as prescribed by some expert in the field.

Exercise, a word that I can't spell and heve to spend some time on, this is symbollic somehow, will need to get back on track, go back to the gym and work out the fat.

start taking my medicine again and going to bed earlier and waking up earlier, using the time of day instead of the night that way i make the best of my day and go to sleep at the proper hours this bat lifestyle has got to stop.

I shall start by cutting my hair let that be a first step into fixing myself and I shall follow up while updating you on the results of my work on comics, my other work on myself, because If I'm enhancing myself as a writer and as an artist I might as well work on myself as a human being, maybe these deep rooted insecurities about getting a girl (not even the girl yet) and the struggles to get a better healthier body (because at this point if my body was a temple it would be the temple of the shit and piss gods) would actually benefit my writing and solving these issues and trying to reach emotional stability or more like emotional satisfaction would subconsciously affect my drawing because as I am not satisfied with the way I look my art is affected by that because art is a psychological emotional activity and if the emotions are fucked up so will the art be.

feel free to share your support and comments by all means, yes I am that insecure that I'm seeking confirmation from a group of anonymous readers that are reading my woes and pains, and suddenly I am emo, I dunno how more emo one can get without having to resort to black makeup attire and hair product, but I assure you I am still the happy go lucky person you know (or don't know), and maybe just going to bed will fix that which is what I'll do now. so good night (or more like good morning to some of you since it's 8:20 am)

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