Pissing Contest

I noticed this annoying habit of mine that potentially pisses allot of people about me, apparently I tend to try and measure up to whoever I;m around if it's someone with an amazing talent or skill I could learn from or someone I admire then I place them on this pedestal and try to learn from them as much as possible, however if I consider them in a position to be equal (and notice how I didn't say equal immediately) my conversations with them would become a pissing contest, if they know something I have to show off I know more of that even if it is a trivial geeky piece of unimportant trivia, if they are having trouble with classes I have to be having more trouble if they are busy I have to be busier and so on and so forth, I noticed it pisses people off why do I have to try and be better than them all the time, what am I trying to prove ? am I this vain that I need to be better than everyone all the time ? but at what cost ? I mean I think highly of myself and it has helped push me to reach for my ambition but why do I always have to gloat and show off ? sure I love the spotlight, it's why i gon stage, it's why I do whatever I do, but why do I have to make it clear to everyone that I am "awesome" ? why can't I just leave them to percieve it on their own ? what am I trying to hide ? what is gnawing at my insides that I'm always trying to impress certian people ?

I mean I would usually act like the non conformist but that initself is just conforming to a different style, I might act differently, but what is the reason for the showing off, the gloating, the constant blab about myself the vanity of it all, what am I Johnny Bravo ? can't I just leave people recognize me to their own merit without having to keep proving myself ? let my actions talk on their own...

I have noticed one thing I do have a certain amount of talent sure I can admit that and so can allot of other people (there it is again) but I noticed one thing about me, my talent isn't as polished as others, I'm not the 100% talent sort of guy that gets it as fast as everyone else I'd have to work twice as hard to reach the level I want to be at, because self critical as I have become just being very good at something isn't enough I have to be the best (pissing contest again ??) maybe in this case it's different, because here it is healthy ambition and I guess the answer would be simple I guess I just should work hard since the payoff is huge, I mean who get's anything without work right?

well for someone like me who went through school one of the top 3 students without having to work as hard as everyone else I would have to say it's not easy to work hard, having gotten into the habit of minimalism doing less for more, why should I have cared when the minimum amount of effort deemed me a good enough position above everyone else for me to bother with it. i have grown into the habit of procrastination and time wasting. the only reason I am not as great as I wanna be at this moment is because of the stupendous amount of time that I currently wasting.

you might have noticed the sort of dead activity around here I haven't drawn anything new in a while or even wrote, though the workshop has been going great and me learning allot as well having fun picking at other awesome people's brains (not in a zombie manner) not to mention getting a chance to write a group of really good stories some of which I've started working on actually. not to mention Dr. Magdy el Shafee actually redrew one of my panels (which I'll be posting soon) which could count as the official first professional fan art of cherry apocalypse.

another thing yesterday I stumbled upon 2 really old friends from before highschool (I met each separately) and reexchanged numbers it's been a while since we last met and I'm glad it happened and I should invite them to meet and catch up at one point, we've been apart for long enough and I don't want it to end up with someone coming to terms with their mortality while us being away form each other I've already had that enough, I don't wish to repeat it soon.

anyway enough for now more later